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It’s the second of July and I should’ve posted this pic yesterday. Sorry.

Dear Australian Media,

Can you please stop using these following words when writing for articles :

• Pad
• Overpass/Underpass
• Sidewalk
• Paramedic
• Iguana-gate
• Kerb
• Baby bump
• Bling

And anything where you combine two celebrities names to make a new word to call them both, ie Brangelina, Tomkat. Oh the hilarity. Bet someone stayed up all night to think of those.

And call them what they really are in Australia:

• Apartment
• Bridge/Bridge
• Footpath
• Ambulance
• Anything but Iguana-gate
• Gutter
• Increase in abdomen size, probably due to pregnancy or eating McDonalds
• Jewellery

Thank You.

Dear Australian Sports Teams,

Can you stop naming our international-playing teams in a “Brangelina” sort of way, by adding an animal name after your chosen sport. Socceroos, Hockeyroos, Olyroos, Wheelabies, Boxaroos. It’s gay I tells ya. Gay! In a Kevin Rudd sorta way.

In other news, since reading that previous sentence, you’ll now know that I’m the best rapper in Australia. Which isn’t too hard, when you’re competing with the likes of Kulcha, Radio Freedom and the guy from Euphoria.

Dear Kevin Rudd,

Stop saying “working families” when you’re working for yourself, and the missus’ new outfit. And give them school kids a laptop, dammit. You were voted in for it, not for giving kids “access” to a computer. Tool.

Thank You.

Then there’s the one I’ve been thinking of for the past few days. You know I love cartoons and cartooning, so it’s only natural that I need some equipment to get something started, but I’ve got a killer idea, sort of based somewhere around Robot Chicken style skits with South Park style animation. But better. It’ll be like cut outs of people in womens magazines, crudely animated, to create a new short sketch. Does anyone know a thing about writing tv shows and animation, or where to invest in equipment for animation?

Lemme guess… Ten’s latest comedy offering, Mark Loves Sharon, will be a rip-roaring success, not unlike David Tench, The Wedge and/or Channel 9’s Wheel of Fortune. But I wonder if Kenny is gonna be worth watching.

And I recently discovered Kevin Rudd’s wife got her wardrobe inspiration from that woman(?) on The Drew Carey Show.

Yeah, her. It’s pure Therese-Rein-dinner-with-George W Bush class.

Y’know the deal. Now that I have steady job, life is all work, Simpsons, sleep… in that order. No time for going out, or spending money while going out anyway. Which means I have to pick up street newspapers, the kind the alternate kids and hippies read, and hobos sleep on. And I found an ad for Pugwall, that awful ’90s after school show with the red knob sister and tacky band. You do remember Pugwall, right?

Dunno why they’re bringing it back. Slap on a funky cover, make it look awesome, wack on the DVD, it’s still gonna play Pugwall. It’s like putting mags and a custom paint job on a Commodore… it won’t change the fact it’s still a Commdore. Maybe they want 30 year olds to go “Aahhh I remember that show!” and buy it on impulse, reminiscing on the drive home about all the good times the Orange Organics had. But really, I can’t tell you why anyone would want to dust off some old show only a select few remember and make it DVD-ish. It’s not like it is The Simpsons.

Don’tcha just love SMS-ing people out of the blue, knowing they’re gonna reply with “Who is this?” Then you can pretend to be a stalker after replying with some knowledge of their happenings you got from Facebook. Tonight the “Who is this?” was received from Fi, a friend from Melbourne, who is now in Perth, and moving back to Melbourne soon. We worked together at Crown, but she ain’t going back there. And she reckons I had a crush on Rose, a 50ish lady who bored everyone to tears or made them beat their head on a desk… repeatedly. Me anyway.

Then, thanks to 10 or so beers, which under the new Labor government rules means I qualify as a binge drinker [ Wooooo! ] and therefore aren’t good for our economy [ Even though I've only had 4 sick days in eight years, 3 of which were when I was burnt in a fire. Yeah, I as drunk the night I fell in and burnt my hand, but it wasn't like I was faking a cough to go queue for the Star Wars prequel/s. ], I said she was amongst the people which kept me at Crown… Cos I liked the perv and all. But C’mon. When you get a good perv and a good conversation at work, that boosts morale, which boosts work ethic which = happiness which = productivity which = less sick leave, meaning more money for the business to spend on the end of year piss up.

Today at the Sebel was a lot easier, or in my case, more straightforward. Kinda got the gist of the system, though there is still stacks to work out before I become know-it-all. Plus I already got to burn some of my muzak for a colleague, even though I just know she won’t appreciate how awesome Supergroove were before their dismal ‘Backspacer’ album. But so what. I’ll be rapt if she lurves Virgil Shaw and/or Dieselhed, but somehow I doubt she’d be into alternate-country cover songs of 1950’s soul muzak. But you should. Cos Virgil Shaw is super-awesome. Much better than anything on Top 40 radio this past decade.

… every news program with a story on al-Qaeda has the same footage of the “terrorists” on the monkey bars, and the “terrorist” climbing out of a hole in the ground in slow motion? I laugh every time. It’s so… generic. At least when there is footage of George Bush making a wanker of himself he is doing a different speech. ‘Cept it’s been happening daily since 2000, so the whole ‘mess-up-your-speech-and-add-many-a-pause-before-correcting-yourself’ shtick has been wearing thin since 2001.

Also, some dude who was like a Queensland rugby league god, he died today. But his name also makes me laugh. Dick ‘Tosser’ Turner. As the kids of today say, LOL. What a terrible nickname! Tosser. Poor guy. It’s as bas as the Nigger Brown Stand in Toowoomba, only with less Aboriginals wanting compensation. I bet some English bloke named Nigel came up with it. Well, Tosser shoulda followed Aussie Rules. But with a name like Dick Turner, I’m sure the AFL crowd could’ve come up with nickname being a little more cryptic. Because what makes a Dick turn, if indeed, a Dick does turn? And where does it turn? Does it bat for the same team or go for something more upmarket? Cos a Dick would never spend a night with the bird who plays Roberta Williams on Underbelly. God, what a skank! She sounds like stereotypical Australian born n’ bred in Dandenong.

Maybe it was a night out with a fat chick noone likes? Does Dick ‘Tosser’ Turner in the AFL world then become Dick ‘Casey Donovan’ Turner? “Hey Casey, get over ‘ere.” That sounds pretty cool. Much better than Tosser. Then you’d assume he turned off women, hyper-obese women at that, to turn to the dark side, or in Australian music’s case, Anthony Callea. Or one of the guys from Human Nature. I don’t care which one, they’re all gay, just not the short one with permed hair. Ugh. What a poof!

And see the post below? The one of Kev doing a high-five? Two days later the Sunday Herald Sun had an article on Kevin Rudd having some business with the Hi-5 makeup/fashion department or something, maybe the best way to grow and/or trim sideburns on holidays, or maybe it was for his missus who’d make every Worst Dressed list if she were at a Noone-cares-anymore Hollywood awards ceremony. “Tonight on E! News, Therese Rein, fat and badly dressed PM’s wife, speaks to Oprah for diet and fashion tips. Hi, I’m Ryan Seacrest”. I’m totally psychic, but I can’t reveal your Tattslotto numbers unless you pay me handsomely, in which case, I might win you $15m, or zero. But you’ll still owe me the money.

Start on Monday morning. Bet you’re glad to hear I didn’t fill out or hand in them dole forms for Centrelink. You can now sleep easy, knowing your tax money can go towards Toyota building a petrol-electric Camry, because Kevin Rudd did suuuuch a great job convincing the Japanese to do it here, well, convincing the Australian media anyway, because that it had nothing to do with Toyota Australia outdoing Thailand’s bid in the “Where do we make this Camry?” competition. Or how the deal that was already done before Kev even thought of visiting Japan.

No word on if Kev wore a banana hammock over there, but he sure does a great Todd impression.

Come this weekend, it’s been a year since I moved up here. And what a year it has been! So this post is about the past twelve months.

First cab off the rank…

I met Sarah. She’s super-awesome. That’s all I can say.

 
Steph introduced me to this drink, or apparently something made with these ingredients. It’s Absolut vanilla vodka mixed with lime juice and dry ginger ale. Delicious.

Went to a Guy Sebastian concert; something I’d never, ever do when living in Melbourne.

Made friends at the locals at the weekly car meet. There’s 5 or 6 of us with Liberty’s now.

One of the few rare drunken evenings @ The Pig n’ Whistle.

New Years Eve @ Amanda’s place. The knives and blood were photoshopped in. Really.

And now, well, I just walked in the door from yet another job interview, doing front of house/reception work @ The Sebel. This other place still hasn’t called back, so I ain’t gonna waste another phone call to hear “He’s not in, can I take a message”.

So, what’s to like about Queensland, compared to Melbourne? Warmth in Winter. Less driving hassles, in this part of town anyway - Brisbane is a mess and I have no idea how people live/drive there. Road lanes just veer off for no reason, only to mysteriously meet back with the other lanes… Driving through Brisbane means if you miss your street, you have to drive around for another 73 minutes to find a way back to it… Brisbane/SE Queensland is the roundabout capital city of the world, and even worse is TRAFFIC LIGHTS on roundabouts. That’s Labor for you. It’s all about the working families, the kind who have children form gangs in the main shopping strip in the city, and look at you like you’re an easy person to be robbed/bashed.

Other than that, I can honestly say, even with a surf beach across the road, I’d see more girls in little clothing at Knox O-Zone and Chadstone than I do here on a hot Summer day. 

And I miss my Melbournite friends. Sure, I’ve made a few new ones, none comparable to Sarah though, but it’s not the same. I really can’t wait to go down and visit them, or for them to visit me.

The alien-type guy, who couldn’t speak English, so when attempting to copy the old bag at the dinner party, he’d say “Plankers nubs. Bery nedicious”. It was as classic as the Munch on Muncheros ad with the Indians.