What’s the difference between “global warming” and “climate change”? Serious. I don’t know. Take “climate change”. Isn’t that what a season is? I mean, unless you’re in Darwin, Winter is significantly different to Summer. There’s a change of climate right there. And “global warming”, what’s the deal? What are they trying to scare us into this time? Was it the Arab countries who brought this on? I mean, they did have so-called weapons of mass destruction, so we’re told, plus they have all the oil, and “they’re all terrorists or shifty mechanics”. Surely the Arab world is responsible for getting extra warmth. We blame them for all our other insecurities.

Maybe it’s just me, but doesn’t the Earth go through different phases of “climate change”? Like the Ice Age. The earth was one big Antarctica. Didn’t global warming end that, making it livable for mankind? Oh, it was the Arab cavemen, with their sabre tooth tigers, campfires, Brontosaurus Burgers, and wooden clubs. Curse them for giving me the opportunity to drink beer and watch cricket in front of the air conditioner.

Thanks to our do-gooder of a Prime Minister, who instantly signed Kyoto the day he walked in. Did he read the fine print? The bit that states under the agreement Australia is permitted to increase its emissions by 8%. No? You’re one top-notch guy, Kev. Save the planet by polluting it more.

Look. I’m up for saving petrol and doing my bit to help make the place look better. Saving petrol to save money and money only. And I ain’t using E10 [ ethanol ] either. Ethanol is made on the farmland. More land to make a petrol additive = less land for your fruit n’ veg = less fruit n’ veg at the supermarket = higher prices for you. Ethanol also destroys engines. 3c/litre saving indeed. 

And I use them green bags, cos mine has Bart Simpson on it. Plus they don’t tear at the bottom and lose all your glass bottles on the road, they hold more groceries, and are a convenient way to store clothes and CDs when moving house. Yeah, Safeway should stop the deli girl asking “Are you alright?” Course I’m alright, I just want to be served, dammit! giving out plastic bags, or do the IGA thing and give out bags which break down. After you get home of course.

Saw this poster at the cinema yesterday, thinking there was gonna be a My Name Is Earl movie shortly, what with the moustach, denim and flannel, but I was wrong. Plus they’d probably have Randy and Catalina in the poster if it were an Earl movie.

We saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall. If you can get over the dong scenes, it’s alright. Much funnier than Neil’s Party and/or Napoleon Dynamite, but that ain’t hard.

The water is off. It was working before but it’s off now. Was it some kids having a joke in broad daylight? Was it the water man getting his revenge on not paying the bill, even though we’ve only been at this place a week? How can I wash dishes or have a shower, without resorting to using Wet Ones? How can I flush the john without it costing money from bottled water?

The water meter, geez, it’s nowhere to be found, just like an outside tap. There’s a hose out there, but like that’s gonna be needed to water plastic plants anyway. Grrr. Looks like I’m gonna have to have a borry and bathe in the Pacific Ocean across the street, and make my clothes smell fresh with Glen 20 and/or Lynx.

Without fail, something always breaks down when I’m running the show while the olds are 6000km away. Oh well, better make the most of it. I can probably have a weeks worth of poop to post onto Rate My Poo or the Zoo Weekly photos column.

Whatever happened to the butcher who would stand outside his shop and yell prices of the meat inside his shop? The butcher who, in 1988, was about 30 with sunburn damage making him look 45, had a goatee, a white shirt covered by a navy blue apron with thin white vertical stripes, greasy brown hair which was missing from his forehead but reached his shoulders, Blundstones, old tattoos from his days in the Hells Angels. And you thought he was personally yelling at you, like road rage without the car, but really, it was just a long rant about sausages ending in ‘99 per kilo’. Where’d he go?

Aahhh, the Olympic Games torch relay. God, where’d all them protesters come from? Free Tibet! Free Tibet! Boycott the games! Pfft, get outta here. Like China cares if you decide to put on Channel 9 instead of Channel 7, not because the fully sick Thorpie ain’t swimming no more, but cos you’ve decided to join the uni students, hippies and Big Brother housemates who wear Che Guevara t-shirts and don’t shower. Bet you’re one of those suckered into believe the “global warming” and “climate change” thing they talk about. We survived the so-called “Asian Invasion” in the late ’90s, and the Aussie yobbos rioting in Cronulla the other year, a few degrees of extra warmth won’t hurt. Think about it. When the heat comes, the girls wear less at the beach and Chadstone shopping centre. Who doesn’t wan’t warmth? Think of the boobies!

And boycotting China and/or Chinese products, I have to laugh. C’monnn. Seriously, I’d love to see you live without your iPod, computer, tv, stereo, shoes, clothing, jeans, camera, Yum Cha Daily, dinner plates. Everything. Lemme find you a cardboard box. You can live in that. So long as it’s from Korea or Thailand.

Wanna whinge about something closer to home? Whinge about the RAAF. Take out the Formula 1, Bathurst 1000 pre-race flyovers and the Avalon Air Show, they sit around for 11 months of the year. And they are costing you big tax dollars too.

Saw an ad on the tele for E! Daily 10, and thought Andrew Symonds got a new gig on US television for when the IPL, which is gay, is over. Bet this bloke doesn’t shower at Car Lovers like Roy though.

Grrr with a capital G! What’s the go, Wordpress database? 500 Internal server error. Can’t connect to database, yet the other WP test site around here works a treat. Must be that the latest WP upgrade. Dammit! Third time this has happened now, and with the best posts of the past 18 months, gone. So much for attempting to restore last weeks database backup. Pfft.

So this looks like a brand spankin’ new blog. Spose it’s time for a new list of things I reckon are kinda gay. Well, replace ‘kinda’ with ‘heaps’.

• Frankie Muniz.
• Travis’ voice from BB08.
• Sean Kingston.
• Brisbane roads.
• Hearing ‘Mercy’ by Duffy 4 times a day.
• The girl from Destiny’s Child whose new song sounds like the old song by the other girl from Destiny’s Child.
• Napoleon Dynamite.
• Will Ferrell movies.
• All Rn’B songs which sample music from the 1970s/1980s. So basically it’s EVERY Rn’B song.
• The way booze went up 30% overnight last weekend. That’s what you get for voting Labor!
• And these American-isms which are creeping into the Australian language - words that end in “izzle”, “bling”, overpass/underpass, paramedic, SUV, hood [ as in bonnet, not neighbourhood ], booty.
• Infomercials on morning chat shows.
• Morning chat shows, except for Ellen.
• Laugh tracks on US sitcoms.
• People who audition for Big Brother because they’re “all crazy and stuff”.

And a few things which are pretty alright -

• Boobies.
• Boobies.
• Boobies.

Yeah, that should do it. Speaking of which, it’s now May, and you deserve this month from Keeley’s calendar.