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Remember the days when Krystal didn’t have louvre lips or fake boobies? I do. This was in a Ralph magazine in my car boot from ages ago, but I also found it online, which is a big help, cos I don’t have a scanner at the moment. 

I hate Andrew O’Keefe’s laugh. It’s the worst part of watching Deal Or No Deal.

Ugh, I dunno. What part of “Hire me! I’m good!” does noone understand? These past three weeks, resumes have been sent everywhere with no replies. Jobs applied for online same deal. Saw that the local Bob Jane is hiring tyre technicians, so I applied there. Got a huge form to fill out, and the guy at the place seemed pretty nice, asking questions, and saying that it’s not too difficult a job to pick up, even for someone with no experience, like me.

After that it was, and I’m ashamed of this, Centrelink. No, no no! I do NOT want the dole, just assistance in getting full time employment, but they put all my details onto their system, go me to visit Mission Australia to have a small meeting and stuff. And tomorrow they’re gonna call to see if I want the dole. Course I don’t want it, but temporarily it’ll be extra cash. So I’ve a day to decide if I want to be associated with deadbeats, hobos, single mothers with five kids to five different dads, and a select few genuinely needy people. And you know they’re just gonna find some dead-end job I’ll have to go for because that’s what their whole shtick is about. Plus Mum and Dad would be ashamed to call me their son if I was to sit around all day, watching Foxtel and Scrubs DVDs while getting paid by the government.

Driving home, I stopped by Pedders and chatted to the guy there. He has my resume now, but they don’t have any positions currently open. Grrr. I guess I could try Coles or Safeway, as a last resort, but c’mon, I don’t see night shift shelf stacking as a good motivation to work. I honestly can’t understand how people do it.

I’m suffering a bad case of the green apple splats aka epic diarrhea aka the runs. I think it’s something I ate. Well, replace think with know. I didn’t eat no dodgy Asian takeout. Or Red Rooster. These DD’s are just too delicious, and they’re on special this week at Coles New World, but God, do they pack a punch or what! Why do I subject myself to such pain? Come the end of the night, the dunny rag feels like sandpaper. Wet ones, as relieving as they are, are just too cold, and small. Like you can’t use one wipe to finish the job, and grabbing a whole bunch is too expensive.

And I blame Malcolm from Crown for introducing me to DD’s brand of sugar-free lollies. You see, I was the guy at the office who farted. I don’t think anyone enjoyed this trouser trumpet as much as me, except for maybe Keith. He was the kind who also had a laugh, sometimes joined in, but at the end of the day got woken by too many drive-by-farts from me while he was sleeping on the job. I wasn’t naked though.

Anyway, Malcolm would tell me how he’d feed these lollies to his grandma and how she would get embarrassed by farting. So I was like “Coooooooool”. Not really. But I just had to try ‘em. Wrigley’s Extra Drops, as tasty as they are, just don’t give the farts as bad. Anyway, I think the first time I had the DD’s was last year on Anzac Day. I went through a pack at Mike’s place before we went to the pub. At the pub, I kid you not, the place was crowded with Collingwood and Essendon fans, with a few metres of space around us. Yeah, we stank. Bad.

Ever taken the drive to Geelong, and just as you pull off the Westgate Freeway near Werribee it starts to pong? We smelt like that. Then they really kicked in and I had to do my first ever poop in a public toilet. I’m not one to take a dump in public, except on someones driveway in Caulfield, I’d hold on for 5 hours if I had to poop at school, so this was a big deal. And out it came. And looked like a cow pat. Have you ever farted in a public toilet? Course you have. You had a giggle too, right? Don’t lie. You did giggle. Like a little schoolgirl.

But now, now these DD’s give a more water-based-shotgun-blast look. Not a pretty sight, and not worth photographing for your enjoyment, unless that is your thing, in which case, head on down to that Rate My Poo website. So yeah, accompanying the runs is stomach sounds, reminiscent of that scene from Bargearse with the “Explain the sound my guts has been making for the last 24 hours” dialogue.

Yeah, that scene.

So it’s getting late, and I’m sitting here waiting for the next round to start. It’s kinda funny. You think it’s a fart then once you notice it’s more moist, you clench up your cheeks like a first-timer at a prostate examination, and run run run. Probably the worst time this happened was leaving work. It was a 50km drive home, and I’d just got out of the car park and onto City Rd in South Melbourne. And it hits. As you’d expect, every traffic light was red. But I made it home, pants still clean, and that was such a relief.

One thing, if you’re on a diet and/or need to lose a few quick kilos, perhaps you’re a boxer ready for the weigh-in or you’re a girl going on a first date, have some DD’s. Like a box of All Bran mixed with Metamucil and topped with Laxettes, it’ll keep you regular, help you lose some weight and make you feel good. And isn’t that what you want? To feel good about yourself, no matter the agony it takes. Thought so.

Ooh ooh ooh. The Sebel hotel up the road has a Guest Service position going. Application sent. As for Brad Johnson kicking a behind, and losing the game for us; Grrrr. Only tipped 3 winners this week. Would have 5 if tips weren’t entered. Go figure.

Following the success of Carson “How To Look Good Naked” Kressley’s BB housemate makeovers, Channel Ten has signed up full-time nice guy, part-time Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd to give the housemates a political makeover. Expect to see a house full blokes in blue shirts, beige pants and navy blue jackets, and the ladies wearing the God-awful red jacket/black dress combo. No word on if Kev will have the boys grow 1″ long sideburns.

I just returned from the future and snapped these pics for you.

Yellow sunglasses optional.

“Get a haircut you stoner!”

The new diary room.

Nobbi gets made over.

Not sure why, but the comments dun work. I changed theme, it worked, but not the theme I wanted. So from there I installed the older version of this theme, and the error happens again. Grrr. 

Edit :: Got a new theme. Comments work too. Maybe. Yeah, no way as good a theme as Black Minimalism, but what can ya do?

Edit edit :: Comments work on the original theme. Yesssss.

All I can say is, I can’t wait til Krystal and the other Ralph/FHM/Zoo ladies become anti-Labor pensioners from Melbourne.

As for Pepsi Max, gimme a beach house! I buy your yellow-capped product all the time and show nothing but love, and all you give me in return, apart from a delicious beverage, is Second Chance Draw. If you don’t give me a beach house or one of the other prizes, I’m going to have to spend my money on LA Maxi Ice instead. It’s cheaper too, probably because it is flat before you open the bottle, but nevertheless, it doesn’t give me false hopes. Same deal with the cricket caps. I’m sick of Andrew Symonds’ name lurking underneath the cap. I wanted all 11 players names, and only got as far as Symonds, Brett Lee and Michael Clarke.

At least with Coke you do get to win prizes, even if they involve a rock concert featuring Nickelback, Midnight Oil, and all you can drink Vanilla Coke, like I won in ‘02.

And if you’re in the voting mood, SMS Babe5 to 199 725 74. Cos she’d be awesome in Ralph. Much better than the others this month.

Channel Ten, what are you doing? Worst movie ever, Napoleon Dynamite, on Friday night? Come onnn. Think of the AFL! It’s bad enough I had to sit through Flight of the Conchords last week before the Formula 1 started. God that show was boringly gay, more gay than that Travis bloke on BB. I guess Channel Ten is the go for all your unfunny ‘comedies’ and overuse of reality TV.

Been spending the past four days job hunting. Todays stop, WOW, a shop sort of like JB Hifi, where they sell DVDs, CDs, TVs and other electrical goodness. The girl there was pretty cute, and nice, and gave a “Good luck” as I handed in the five page application form and made an exit. Fingers crossed. On the job that is.

Yep, it’s so boring around here. There’s only so much on World War 2 a guy can watch before My Wife and Kids looks a goer.

What’s the difference between “global warming” and “climate change”? Serious. I don’t know. Take “climate change”. Isn’t that what a season is? I mean, unless you’re in Darwin, Winter is significantly different to Summer. There’s a change of climate right there. And “global warming”, what’s the deal? What are they trying to scare us into this time? Was it the Arab countries who brought this on? I mean, they did have so-called weapons of mass destruction, so we’re told, plus they have all the oil, and “they’re all terrorists or shifty mechanics”. Surely the Arab world is responsible for getting extra warmth. We blame them for all our other insecurities.

Maybe it’s just me, but doesn’t the Earth go through different phases of “climate change”? Like the Ice Age. The earth was one big Antarctica. Didn’t global warming end that, making it livable for mankind? Oh, it was the Arab cavemen, with their sabre tooth tigers, campfires, Brontosaurus Burgers, and wooden clubs. Curse them for giving me the opportunity to drink beer and watch cricket in front of the air conditioner.

Thanks to our do-gooder of a Prime Minister, who instantly signed Kyoto the day he walked in. Did he read the fine print? The bit that states under the agreement Australia is permitted to increase its emissions by 8%. No? You’re one top-notch guy, Kev. Save the planet by polluting it more.

Look. I’m up for saving petrol and doing my bit to help make the place look better. Saving petrol to save money and money only. And I ain’t using E10 [ ethanol ] either. Ethanol is made on the farmland. More land to make a petrol additive = less land for your fruit n’ veg = less fruit n’ veg at the supermarket = higher prices for you. Ethanol also destroys engines. 3c/litre saving indeed. 

And I use them green bags, cos mine has Bart Simpson on it. Plus they don’t tear at the bottom and lose all your glass bottles on the road, they hold more groceries, and are a convenient way to store clothes and CDs when moving house. Yeah, Safeway should stop the deli girl asking “Are you alright?” Course I’m alright, I just want to be served, dammit! giving out plastic bags, or do the IGA thing and give out bags which break down. After you get home of course.