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What’s the difference between “global warming” and “climate change”? Serious. I don’t know. Take “climate change”. Isn’t that what a season is? I mean, unless you’re in Darwin, Winter is significantly different to Summer. There’s a change of climate right there. And “global warming”, what’s the deal? What are they trying to scare us into this time? Was it the Arab countries who brought this on? I mean, they did have so-called weapons of mass destruction, so we’re told, plus they have all the oil, and “they’re all terrorists or shifty mechanics”. Surely the Arab world is responsible for getting extra warmth. We blame them for all our other insecurities.

Maybe it’s just me, but doesn’t the Earth go through different phases of “climate change”? Like the Ice Age. The earth was one big Antarctica. Didn’t global warming end that, making it livable for mankind? Oh, it was the Arab cavemen, with their sabre tooth tigers, campfires, Brontosaurus Burgers, and wooden clubs. Curse them for giving me the opportunity to drink beer and watch cricket in front of the air conditioner.

Thanks to our do-gooder of a Prime Minister, who instantly signed Kyoto the day he walked in. Did he read the fine print? The bit that states under the agreement Australia is permitted to increase its emissions by 8%. No? You’re one top-notch guy, Kev. Save the planet by polluting it more.

Look. I’m up for saving petrol and doing my bit to help make the place look better. Saving petrol to save money and money only. And I ain’t using E10 [ ethanol ] either. Ethanol is made on the farmland. More land to make a petrol additive = less land for your fruit n’ veg = less fruit n’ veg at the supermarket = higher prices for you. Ethanol also destroys engines. 3c/litre saving indeed. 

And I use them green bags, cos mine has Bart Simpson on it. Plus they don’t tear at the bottom and lose all your glass bottles on the road, they hold more groceries, and are a convenient way to store clothes and CDs when moving house. Yeah, Safeway should stop the deli girl asking “Are you alright?” Course I’m alright, I just want to be served, dammit! giving out plastic bags, or do the IGA thing and give out bags which break down. After you get home of course.