I’m suffering a bad case of the green apple splats aka epic diarrhea aka the runs. I think it’s something I ate. Well, replace think with know. I didn’t eat no dodgy Asian takeout. Or Red Rooster. These DD’s are just too delicious, and they’re on special this week at Coles New World, but God, do they pack a punch or what! Why do I subject myself to such pain? Come the end of the night, the dunny rag feels like sandpaper. Wet ones, as relieving as they are, are just too cold, and small. Like you can’t use one wipe to finish the job, and grabbing a whole bunch is too expensive.

And I blame Malcolm from Crown for introducing me to DD’s brand of sugar-free lollies. You see, I was the guy at the office who farted. I don’t think anyone enjoyed this trouser trumpet as much as me, except for maybe Keith. He was the kind who also had a laugh, sometimes joined in, but at the end of the day got woken by too many drive-by-farts from me while he was sleeping on the job. I wasn’t naked though.

Anyway, Malcolm would tell me how he’d feed these lollies to his grandma and how she would get embarrassed by farting. So I was like “Coooooooool”. Not really. But I just had to try ‘em. Wrigley’s Extra Drops, as tasty as they are, just don’t give the farts as bad. Anyway, I think the first time I had the DD’s was last year on Anzac Day. I went through a pack at Mike’s place before we went to the pub. At the pub, I kid you not, the place was crowded with Collingwood and Essendon fans, with a few metres of space around us. Yeah, we stank. Bad.

Ever taken the drive to Geelong, and just as you pull off the Westgate Freeway near Werribee it starts to pong? We smelt like that. Then they really kicked in and I had to do my first ever poop in a public toilet. I’m not one to take a dump in public, except on someones driveway in Caulfield, I’d hold on for 5 hours if I had to poop at school, so this was a big deal. And out it came. And looked like a cow pat. Have you ever farted in a public toilet? Course you have. You had a giggle too, right? Don’t lie. You did giggle. Like a little schoolgirl.

But now, now these DD’s give a more water-based-shotgun-blast look. Not a pretty sight, and not worth photographing for your enjoyment, unless that is your thing, in which case, head on down to that Rate My Poo website. So yeah, accompanying the runs is stomach sounds, reminiscent of that scene from Bargearse with the “Explain the sound my guts has been making for the last 24 hours” dialogue.

Yeah, that scene.

So it’s getting late, and I’m sitting here waiting for the next round to start. It’s kinda funny. You think it’s a fart then once you notice it’s more moist, you clench up your cheeks like a first-timer at a prostate examination, and run run run. Probably the worst time this happened was leaving work. It was a 50km drive home, and I’d just got out of the car park and onto City Rd in South Melbourne. And it hits. As you’d expect, every traffic light was red. But I made it home, pants still clean, and that was such a relief.

One thing, if you’re on a diet and/or need to lose a few quick kilos, perhaps you’re a boxer ready for the weigh-in or you’re a girl going on a first date, have some DD’s. Like a box of All Bran mixed with Metamucil and topped with Laxettes, it’ll keep you regular, help you lose some weight and make you feel good. And isn’t that what you want? To feel good about yourself, no matter the agony it takes. Thought so.