I don’t have a missus, but I have two awesome female housemates, which is kinda like having a girlfriend, or two if I’m a Jerry Springer guest, so I now know not to fart, or to buy these five things for a birthday, engagement, wedding present.

Go Girl FUD, so she can pee standing up. Girls prefer to sit down, chat to their friends in the next stall about 90210 and Grey’s Anatomy.

Bion Moustache Shaver – Unless she is Woggy. Only then is it okay.

Discount Penthouse magazine subscription – Because you should buy yourself a discount Penthouse subscription. Or look at the photos via a Google search to save that $22.95.

Discount cellulite reduction/liposuction machine voucher – Because then she will know you are lying when you say she is not overweight, tubby, fat, obese, whatever euphemism you can come up with… All of which my housies ain’t. Serious.

Rubber novelty poop - Same goes for rubber vomit. Unless your missus is 7. For some stupid reason, girls don’t find bodily functions funny, no matter how drunk you are/were, even when rubber-fied. I don’t get it either.